Im the Reason We on if I Could Do It All Again
Love songs are where nosotros get our passion, our soul — and most of our worst ideas.
Cypher good can come of this. Photo by Achim Voss/Flickr.
Throughout human history, oceans have been crossed, mountains accept been scaled, and slap-up families accept blossomed — all because of a few simple chords and a melody that inflamed a center and propelled information technology on a noble, romantic mission.
On the other manus, that time you told that girl you only started seeing that you would "catch a grenade" for her? You did that considering of a dear vocal. And it wasn't exactly a coincidence that she all of a sudden decided to "lose your number" and move back to Milwaukee to "figure some stuff out."
"It's just, my mom. You know? And L.A. is so hot in the summer. And yeah, my mom." Photo via iStock.
That time you held that boom box over your head exterior your ex'due south firm? You lot did that because of a beloved vocal. And 50 hours of community service later, yous're however non back together.
Honey songs are peachy. They make our hearts beat out faster. They inspire us to have risks and put our feelings on the line. And they give united states terrible, terrible ideas about how bodily, real-life human relationships should piece of work.
They're amazing. So astonishing. And also terrible.
Here are six dear songs that sound romantic but aren't, and i vocal that doesn't audio romantic merely totally is:
i. "God Only Knows," by The Beach Boys
Y'all can keep your "Surfin' Safaris," your "I Get Arounds," and your "Assistance me Rhondas."
When information technology comes to The Embankment Boys, "God But Knows" is where it'due south at. A lush garden of soft horns and informal melody. A tie-dye swirl of sound. A landscape of haunted innocence with some of the most heartrending lyrics ever committed to the back of a surfboard.
Youth! Youth! Youth! Photo past Hulton Archive/Getty Images.
Hither's why information technology sounds romantic:
I may not always love you
Only long equally there are stars above y'all
Yous never demand to doubt it
I'll make you so sure about it
God only knows what I'd be without you
If yous're traipsing through a meadow in a sundress with your beloved and not playing "God Only Knows" on your iPod, you should actually terminate and start over.
If you're lazily bumping a embankment ball over a volleyball net and "God Only Knows" isn't playing somewhere in the back of your mind, you need to rethink the choices that got y'all to this point.
If you're a video editor compiling footage of grainy hippies frolicking in the mud and yous're not underscoring it with the opening chords of "God Only Knows," you are doing it wrong.
Hippies, likely on their style to a mud frolic. Photo past Colin Davey/Getty Images.
It's a song that but feels like dear. Pure love. Immature dearest. Love with a chill, kelp-y vibe.
What could be wrong with that?
Hither'due south why information technology's actually really, really unromantic:
There's goose egg wrong with loving someone. Sending them flowers. Leaving over-the-top notes in their P.O. boxes. Stroking their hair as they fall asleep while you whisper the complete works of Nicholas Sparks into their ear.
"Miles Ryan stood on the dorsum porch of his house, smoking a cigarette..." Photo by hatchettebookgroup.biz.
Only there is such a thing as loving someone a skosh too much.
If yous should ever exit me
Though life would still go on believe me
The globe could testify nada to me
So what good would living do me?
Look, I become it. Breakups suck. At that place'southward no getting around that. But good God.
There's a huge difference between saying: "Hey baby, y'all are my offset and foremost everything and I'll be bummed if y'all become." And saying: "Welp, you accepted that task in Seattle, and so I'grand simply gonna chug a bunch of nightshade and phone call it a life."
Merely that's pretty much the gist here. Which makes this line...
God only knows what I'd be without y'all
...horror-motion-picture show creepy. Considering the answer, apparently, is: "I'd be a corpse!"
Ah well. We had a good run. Photo via iStock.
That'south not dear. That'due south codependency (to put it mildly). Oh, and hey! Threatening to impale yourself if your partner leaves isn't loving. Information technology'southward a form of emotional abuse.
Investing all your happiness and sense of self-worth in any relationship — one that, past definition, might one day end — is putting a lot of eggs in one basket. Sure, God may merely know what you'd be without her, merely God probably likewise hopes you lot have, I don't know, some hobbies. Take a yoga class. Google some woodworking videos. Try kite surfing.
"Yeah! Hell yeah! What was her name again?" Photo past Jim Semlor/Federal Highway Administration.
One person cannot be anyone's be-all and end-all. Information technology'south too stressful. And it prevents y'all from doing you, which is a affair that's gotta be done before you can exercise annihilation else.
No wonder she took that chore in Seattle.
ii. "Treasure," by Bruno Mars
Certain, it's a breathy rip off of every Michael Jackson vocal you've ever heard. Just, we don't take Michael Jackson anymore, and as tribute acts become, you could practice a lot worse than Bruno Mars.
Look at that face. That confront! Photo past Brothers Le/Flickr.
Here'southward why the song sounds romantic:
Treasure, that is what you are
Honey, yous're my golden star
You know you can make my wish come true
If you let me treasure you
If yous let me treasure you
Pass those lyrics to anyone on a used napkin at an 8th-grade make-out political party and you'll likely get an instant toll pass on the highway to tongue-town (ew).
Pass them to your spouse and, chances are, date night is going to culminate in 47 minutes of chaste-all the same-passionate frenching.
Pass them to a cop who pulls you over for running a stop sign, and they will retrieve you lot're weird — simply probably all the same make out with you.
In fact, Bruno Mars basically has a lifetime pass to brand out with America because of this song.
This is what happens when yous write "Treasure" and you're on phase with Michelle Obama. Photo by Mandel Ngan/Getty Images.
And I'm OK with that.
Merely, here'southward why "Treasure" isn't every bit romantic as it seems:
Everything virtually "Treasure" is retro. Everything.
Including its attitudes about gender.
"Children, have I always told you what I shouted at your mother on the street the first time we met?" Photograph by Jacobsen/Getty Images.
Things get-go to go south right from the very beginning:
Give me your, requite me your, give me your attention, baby
I gotta tell yous a little something near yourself
Ah yep. Nothing screams "respect" quite like a human being lecturing a foreign woman on the street about something she "doesn't know almost herself."
What could it be? Could it be that her jokes are funny? Could it be that she's got something in her teeth? Could it exist that her nonfiction book about early on mod German history is extremely detailed and informative?
"Thanks for teaching me all about Martin Luther's bible!" Photo past Torsten Schleese/Wikimedia Eatables.
Spoiler Warning: It's none of those.
Y'all're wonderful, flawless, ooh, y'all're a sexy lady
But you walk around here like you wanna be someone else
Oh. It's that she'due south sexy. Cool, bro. Very original.
Word of advice? Regardless of how she's walking, the lady knows she's sexy. Even if she doesn't, it actually doesn't affect her day-to-day then much that you, a complete stranger, need to shout it at her (even over a funky disco snare).
So what if she does desire to exist someone else? I'd honey to be someone else! I think beingness Ryan Gosling would be quite nice. A good way to spend a three-day weekend.
Certain, there'd be an adjustment period... Photo by Eamonn M. McCormack/Getty Images.
And then later, of course, the narrator can't aid himself:
Pretty girl, pretty daughter, pretty girl, you should be smiling
A girl like you lot should never await so blueish.
He respects her then much, he's actually directly-up telling her to smile! Much like Mars' character "Uptown Funk," who appears to get off on angrily exhorting girls to "hitting [their] hallelujah." Which, you know, I estimate everybody'southward got a thing.
Yes, in the earth of "Treasure," a healthy relationship is an unending stream of a man complimenting a strange woman and said woman being then totally flattered that she immediately dispenses "the sex."
He so proceeds to talk to his potential lover like the world's creepiest pirate:
Y'all are my treasure, you are my treasure
You are my treasure, yeah, y'all, y'all, you, you are
You are my treasure, you are my treasure
You are my treasure, aye, you lot, you lot, you lot, yous are
By this point, in his listen, she'due south a literal thing. An object. Which is fitting.
I suppose it could be worse, though. At least she's non just whatever thing.
GIF from "The 2 Towers."
That's ... something, correct?
iii. "Don't Think Twice, Information technology's All Correct," past Bob Dylan
For as long as humans have been dating each other, humans have been breaking up with each other. And "Don't Retrieve Twice" is a portrait of a relationship going down in flames. Glorious, poetic, acoustic flames.
Bob Dylan, a guy who is practiced at writing songs that a lot of people like. Photo by William Lovelace/Getty Images.
Here'due south why information technology sounds romantic:
Well, it ain't no employ to sit and wonder why, infant
Even you lot don't know past now
And information technology own't no utilize to sit and wonder why, babe
It'll never do somehow
When your rooster crows at the break of dawn
Wait out your window, and I'll exist gone
You're the reason I'm a-traveling on
But don't think twice, it'southward all right.
Boom. Strummed on out of that friends-with-benefits situation similar whoa.
"Don't Think Twice" is a raw song. An honest song. A powerful song. It'south the song your older sister played on continuous loop for six months after her boyfriend left for college. The vocal that convinced your Aunt Roslyn to leave her bank-teller job, load her iv Australian shepherds into the van, and open up a wind chime store in Mendocino. The vocal your friend's absurd dad always wants to play when he invited your high school band over to his apartment to jam.
"What timbre are y'all looking for?" Photo past Sharon Ang/Pixabay.
Sure, it's about the end of a relationship, but it sounds romantic. And at the terminate of the mean solar day, shouldn't that be plenty?
Here's why information technology's really sooooo messed up:
Relationships stop. For a lot of reasons. And while there is no right way to telephone call information technology quits with someone, when the dust settles, both parties can certainly benefit from a difficult, honest give-and-take nigh what went wrong.
It'south not me, Joan. It's you. 100% you. Photo by Rowland Scherman/Getty Images.
In "Don't Call up Twice," that give-and-take basically boils down to: "It's your fault."
Let's review the reasons the dude in "Don't Think Twice" is splitting with his lady friend:
I gave her my middle, but she wanted my soul
Ugh, women, correct? You're all like, "Babe, I just have and then much unspecified honey to give," and she'southward like, "Accept out the trash!" And you're like, "Merely baaaaaaabe, shouldn't my heart be enough?" And she's similar, "No, seriously. I already did the laundry, cleaned the whole house, fed the dog, did the dishes, and fabricated both of our lunches for the calendar week. All I need you to do is take out the trash." And you're like, "You're aimless me out. I'm gonna get play guitar." And and then she gets all mad! What did you do? Why is she trying to change you? UGH!
Yous could have washed better, only I don't heed
Yes. You do mind! You listen! You wrote a song about information technology, you lot passive-aggressive prick.
You but kinda wasted my precious time
Ah yeah. Your time is so precious! Think about all the hours y'all wasted plumbing the ocean-deep, ecstatic mysteries of human being partnership when you could have been futzing around with that home-brew kit.
Yes, this was worth information technology. Photograph by Pecker Bradford/Flickr.
The minute you get-go breaking it down, the message of "Don't Think Twice" suddenly starts to seem a lot less romantic. Similar your sister's ex-boyfriend, who worked at the Bass Pro Shop in boondocks for a while and at present might be in jail. Like your aunt's wind chime store, which would accept airtight forever ago had she not received that inheritance from her mom in the '80s. Like your friend's cool dad, who wasn't exactly, technically, paying kid support.
"Y'all kids want a beer? No one'due south under thirteen, correct?" Photograph via iStock.
Oh yes, and the song'due south narrator also point-bare refers woman he'due south leaving equally:
A kid, I'thousand told
That'due south right. In addition to being a run-of-the-factory passive-aggressive jerk — turns out, he'south also possibly a pedophile.
Fifty-fifty if nosotros are to accept that this is a metaphor and she's not actually a kid — which at that place's no indication it is, just OK, Bob Dylan — the fact that Commitmentphobe Gunderson here would willingly choose an immature partner reflects way more poorly on him than it does on her.
Breaking up with anyone in such a cruel, dismissive fashion is a recipe for sticking them with years of therapy bills.
Which, I suppose, may be the point.
4. "Leaving on a Jet Plane," by John Denver
Who has two thumbs and wrote a bittersweet folk song about hurtling through the stratosphere in a behemothic aluminum tube at 600 miles per 60 minutes?
This guy. Photo by Hughes Television Network/Wikimedia Commons.
Here's why it sounds romantic:
"Leaving on a Jet Airplane" is a lovely song. And impressive in its loveliness considering jet planes were even so kind of new at the time it was written.
'Cause I'm leavin' on a jet plane
To a modern ear, this would be sort of like singing, "I'chiliad a scoooting abroad on my hoverboooooard," but in a way that's somehow however folksy and heartbreaking and singable by 9-year-olds at summer camp. Non easy to do!
Oh babe, I hate to go
You see — he hates to go! He but hates it! We know this, because he tells u.s.a. he hates it. And why would he detest to go if he didn't beloved his partner just that much?
Meet ya! Photo by Altair78/Wikimedia Eatables.
Why indeed?
Here'due south why it'due south actually not that romantic at all:
All the plaintive guitar, loping bass line, and twangy, melancholy warbling in the globe tin only distract so much from the fact that the song's master graphic symbol is well, kind of a jerkweed.
And in reality — surprise surprise! — it doesn't actually seem like he hates being away all that much:
There'due south so many times I've let you lot down
And then many times I've played around
I tell you now, they don't hateful a thing
"Infant, I promise! All the movies I watched alone while you were abode nursing the quadruplets. All the times I tuckered our life savings on Zoo Zillionaire. All the random sex I had with other women. Totally meaningless. Certainly fun to do! Really fun. Like, I had a fantastic time. But rest assured — completely empty, in an ontological sense."
"Equally empty as this bed I simply finished having sexual practice with someone else in." Photograph via iStock.
Yeah, when you lot break it down, "Leaving on a Jet Plane," is less of a passionate tribute to love overcoming distance and more than the deluded ramblings of a guy who needs to convince himself he's "good" despite all prove to the contrary.
And for all he claims to be broken upwards about having to function from his ane and only, the dude seems pretty excited nigh the flight. Oh, y'all're leaving on a jet plane, are y'all? Are you lot Zone i? Gonna humblebrag on Twitter about the "terrible" Cibo express salad you lot were forced to choke downwards equally you sat waiting to embark on your fun, mysterious adventure?
"Life so hard @ LGA #missingmybabe." Photo by Gesalbte/Wikimedia Commons.
He continues:
Ev'ry place I go, I'll think of yous
Ev'ry song I sing, I'll sing for yous
Ah cool. He'll think virtually her while strumming and making "my dear is delicate as the morning dew" optics at a waif-y grad pupil in the front end row. That pretty much makes up for it all.
Then he demands:
Then kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
After all the betrayal and heartbreak, after basically revealing himself to be a grade-A sleaze who tin can't be trusted, he nevertheless has the gall to tell her to expect? To wait for him?
And here's the kicker:
When I come up back, I'll bring your wedding ring
Ah yes. He'll put a band on it. Finally.
"Ehhhhhhh...." Photo via iStock.
Dissimilar all the previous trips, where he'southward cheated a billion times, tuckered the family bank account, and but been a general screwup and thwarting.
Simply yep. This time he says he'll bring dorsum a wedding band.
I hope she joins a polyamorous octad and never looks dorsum.
5. "When a Homo Loves a Woman," Percy Sledge
When you lot await up "soul" in the dictionary, the book plays you a recording of this song.
Percy Sledge, having a few thoughts. Photo by Gene Pugh/Flickr.
Specifically, it plays you the very kickoff line.
Here'due south why it sound very romantic:
When a homo loves a adult female
Certain, y'all tin write the lyrics downwardly, only information technology doesn't even come up close to capturing the heartache. The yearning. The delicious, delicious pain-belting:
WHEN A Human LOVES A WOMAN
Closer ... but still no.
WHEN A MAAAAAAAN. LOVES A WOOOMAN!
Yes! Sing it, Percy Sledge!
It's an elemental lyric.
It'southward a heart-shattering lyric.
It'due south a lyric that demands you put your dorsum into it.
Information technology'due south perfection.
As long every bit you lot don't proceed listening.
Here'south why the song is actually pretty horrifying:
From the opening lines of "When a Homo Loves a Woman," we know that, at to the lowest degree on occasion, a man loves a adult female.
Which raises the question: What happens when said man loves said woman?
He'd give upward all his comforts
And sleep out in the pelting
If she said that'southward the manner
It ought to be.
Whoa! OK. No. Support. A man, no matter how devoted, no affair how selfless, no affair how in love, needs shelter. Otherwise, a homo will die of exposure and hypothermia.
Turn his back on his best friend if he put her down.
No! Jeez. No. A man tin't put up with that kind of isolating beliefs. A human being needs friends! Once a human'south whole support system erodes out from nether him, a man will exist bitter, ungrounded, and alone. And a homo's mental health will deteriorate.
I gave you everything I accept
Tryin' to concord on to your heartless dearest
Baby, please don't treat me bad.
This is non what happens "when a man loves a woman." It's what happens when a human being loves a controlling, manipulative woman. An calumniating adult female. A woman who, in truth, only loves a woman. Herself.
"It's Chris or me." Photo by geralt/Pixabay.
And that'due south not salubrious.
Run, Percy Sledge, run! We're here for you.
(Side note: Lest it go unsaid, there is mode more than 1 way for a human to dear a woman. Maybe they spend every waking moment cuddling and bopping each other on the nose. Perhaps they sleep in separate bedrooms. Maybe they apparel up in large, plush true cat costumes and refer to each other Mr. and Mrs. Kittyhawk. And when a man loves a human being, I imagine information technology feels much the same. Or when a woman loves a adult female. Or when a gender nonconforming person loves a gender nonconforming person.)
Regardless of the depth of commitment, living state of affairs, or combination of genders or sexual orientations, there's no one-size-fits-all love solution. Every human relationship is a unique snowflake. Diversity is the spice of life. Necessity is the mother of invention. At that place'due south more than than i way to skin a true cat. A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down.
It doesn't thing if information technology's the correct metaphor, as long as it's a metaphor. Photo by Rosmarie Voegtli/Flickr.
Indicate beingness: Generalize at your peril, Sledge. And delight, seek help! You tin do this! And if you ever find yourself in a similar situation, please give these people a call.
half-dozen. "All I Wanna Practise is Brand Love to You," Heart
Honestly, Heart could sing a listing of the nigh popular AllRecipes ("Jaaaamie'due south Cranberry Spinach Saaaaalad/World's Best Lasaaaaagna/Sour Creeeeeam Cutouts") and it would brand me want to bawl my eyes out in the arms of a alpine, dark stranger at the end of a pier.
This vocal is perfect. You should always be listening to information technology. If you're not listening to information technology now, smack yourself in the face and Google information technology. It's just that important.
I am singing the telephone book. You are weeping similar a tiny babe. Photo by FatCat125/Wikimedia Commons.
So much passion. Then much pain. So much hair.
Here'due south why it sounds romantic:
Over pounding drums and a soaring melody, Centre sisters Nancy and Ann Wilson evangelize a primal tribute to the 1 true romantic fantasy shared by every living existence on Earth: picking upward an unnervingly bonny human being for ane dark of mind-bravado sex and then releasing him dorsum into the wild to bone — just never quite equally compellingly ever again.
They sing:
It was a rainy dark when he came into sight
Standing past the route, no umbrella, no glaze
Then I pulled up aslope and I offered him a ride
He accepted with a grinning so nosotros drove for a while
I don't have to keep because y'all know what happens next, and it'due south crawly.
"I merely sit in this cabin. Counting the days since. Counting ... the ... days." Photograph by Rene Asmussen/Pexels.
At present, here's why this vocal is non romantic at all:
The human relationship in "All I Wanna Exercise" seems too good to be true. And it is. Because it's not an equally loving ,or even every bit lusty, pairing at all.
It's a...
It's a...
Well. You lot know what information technology is:
Proficient at recognizing no-win situations and delicious with lemon?! Photo by Pikawil/Flickr.
For a while, things are humming forth just fine, like any wholesome, illicit, anonymous affair should:
I didn't inquire him his name, this lone boy in the rain
Fate, tell me it's right, is this beloved at first sight?
Sure, many of us might hesitate to pick up a foreign leather-jacket-clad man continuing on the side of the road for a no-strings-fastened screw, but our narrator just has a feeling near this guy, and sometimes, you gotta become with your gut.
I can respect that.
Nosotros made magic that dark
He did everything right
Great! Seems like it was a good decision. Bonking the hitchhiker is payin' off big fourth dimension.
But then, without alarm, the song starts to sound less like an best great romance and more like a story men's rights activists tell each other as they vape around a campfire:
I told him "I am the flower, you are the seed
We walked in the garden, nosotros planted a tree
Don't try to find me, delight don't you cartel
Just alive in my retentivity, you'll always exist there"
I'yard not a poet. Symbolic language often eludes me. But unless "flower," "seed," "garden," and "tree," all of a sudden mean wildly different things in the context of human reproduction than they accept since sexual practice was kickoff invented in the early-1970s, we're talking about a surprise, non-mutually-consensual pregnancy!
HELLO! Photo past Avsar Aras/Wikimedia Commons.
Of course, metaphors are opaque, interpretations vary, etc., etc., etc. You might exist tempted to think, "Maybe Heart meant something else past that."
To that I say, no, they definitely meant it:
Then it happened one day
Nosotros came round the same way
You can imagine his surprise
When he saw his own eyes
There are ii possibilities hither.
One: The narrator of the vocal is recently-deceased Jerry Orbach from this creepy New York City subway advertisement from nine years ago:
Photo by eyedonation.org.
Or ii: She totally conned a dude into whipping upwardly a baby on the sly.
I said, "Please, please empathise
Ah, certain. Yep. No worries.
I'g in love with another man
Cool, then this all makes sense and is in no way the nightmarish scheme of a deranged sociopath who has now wrecked not one only two lives.
And what he couldn't give me, oh, no
Was the one trivial thing that you lot tin can"
A HUMAN LIFE! A Existent SENTIENT HUMAN LIFE THAT IS NOT INCIDENTAL TO ALL OF THIS!
The all-time you can say about that is that it's not technically illegal, and that leather-jacket homo probably should have been responsible for his ain birth control. Or, at the very least, asked more than questions .
Just ... it's not cute. It'due south not romantic (even the Wilson sisters themselves concur).
And at the end of the 24-hour interval, the shadiest character in this song is somehow not the pelting-soaked hitchhiker wandering to nowhere in the nighttime.
Which... is saying something.
But at that place is a beloved song that is truly, madly, deeply perfect. An unassailable track in a sea of problematic faves.
A song that does everything right.
A song that paints a portrait of a healthy partnership built to last.
A vocal that can double as a manual for the ideal human romantic relationship.
And that vocal is...
"Processed Shop," by 50 Cent, featuring Olivia
Here'due south why you might be — OK, almost definitely are — skeptical:
fifty Cent (L) and that guy. Y'all know, that guy? That guy! Photograph by Ethan Miller/Getty Images.
Every bit tricky as "Processed Shop" is, as fun it is to dance to, and as cathartic every bit it can be to scream in the middle of a crowded fraternity house at 2 a.g., there'southward no getting around the fact that the song begins like this:
I'll take you lot to the processed shop
I'll let y'all lick the lollipop
I'll post that once more, in case you missed some of the dash:
I'll take you to the candy shop
I'll let you lick the lollipop
Way to have one for the team, narrator of "Processed Shop"!
At showtime glance, "Candy Shop" is nobody'southward idea of a archetype love song.
The lyrics are ... unusually frontwards. The beat is kinda basic. The hook is like the music they play when Abu Nazir sidles scarily by in "Homeland."
OooooOOOOoooooOOOo. GIF from "Homeland."
It doesn't go played much anymore. When it does resurface, it feels ... kinda dated. Similar watching that DVD of "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire" on your new Xbox 360.
It's not a song you'd put on a mixtape for your vanquish. Information technology's not a song you lot'd play for your spouse when the kids are at domicile with the babysitter and you've got nine hours to tear up the Piscataway Hampton Inn. It's certainly not a song you'd include on the video photograph montage y'all made for your grandparents' silver anniversary.
It'southward merely not.
But it should be.
So here it is. Here's why "Candy Store" by fifty Cent, featuring Olivia, is actually the perfect relationship song:
You wanna dorsum that thing upward or should I push up on it? Photo by ionasnicolae/Pixabay.
The bass pulsate hits. The MIDI violins whine. The singer starts filling out his fellatio permission sideslip. It's only been twenty seconds, and you're already getting ready to hang it up with "Candy Shop."
Only then ... over the square thrum and the mewling strings, a miracle occurs — in the form of a female person vox joining the track, cutting through the din similar a blaring telephone call.
She sings:
I'll take y'all to the candy shop (yeah)
Boy, one sense of taste of what I got (uh-huh)
I'll accept yous spendin' all you got (come on)
Keep going 'til you hit the spot, whoa
It's common! It's mutual! They're performing oral sex on each other!
Ring the bells! Bang the drums! Release the doves!
Go, cunnilingus doves, go! Photo by liz west/Flickr.
fifty Cent himself may not be the world's greatest partner — for example, according to i of his exes, he's done some pretty unforgivable things.
But the narrator of "Candy Shop"? He gets it:
You lot could have it your way, how do yous want it?
Rather than just imposing his desires on the person he's with — a la the dude in "God Only Knows ("I'g going to invest my entire sense of self-worth in yous!") or the street heckler in "Treasure" ("I'thousand going to treat you like a chest full of gilt doubloons!") or the sociopath in "All I Wanna Practise is Brand Love to Y'all," ("I'm going to play a trick on you into knocking me upward!") — the "Candy Store" guy actually asks his partner what she wants.
Which, in the earth of pop music, is adept for most 50,000 trillion points.
And where are they going to do it? The hotel? Dorsum of the rental? The beach? The park?
It's whatever you're into
'Cause consent is sexy!
I ain't finished teaching y'all 'bout how sprung I got ya
The narrator of "Candy Shop" is certainly ... believing near his desires.
But here's the key affair: the lady on the receiving end of those desires? She's clearly into it. And we know this considering she says so.
The lines of consent in "Processed Shop" are bright red, highlighted, and soldered into the weirdly gummy club floor.
Meanwhile, Robin Thicke is outside trying to convince the bouncer that his uncle is a lawyer. Photo by Grim23/Wikimedia Commons.
Girl what we practise ...
And where we do ...
The things nosotros do ...
Are just between me and you
No matter how nasty they freak, it will exist intimate. It will be private. There will exist no revenge porn (the epilogue to "Blurred Lines," to wit, would definitely be a protracted, emotionally devastating lawsuit).
If you be a nympho, I'll be a nympho
Sexual compatibility is key to the survival of any relationship, whether years, weeks, or (very perchance in the case of "Candy Shop") minutes long.
She may have a high sex drive, simply dude is graciously offering to accommodate her. What a admirer! These crazy kids just might go the altitude after all.
And at the end of the solar day, what is a human relationship but two nymphos, sharing wellness insurance?
Cheers, Obamacare! Photo by Wonderlane/Flickr.
Information technology's like it's a race who could get undressed quicker
Again, everybody is having a neat time. And, critically, an equally great fourth dimension.
I impact the correct spot at the right fourth dimension
Of course, information technology wouldn't be a pop/hip-hop hit without a spot of random braggadocio, but if we're to take him at his word, "Candy Shop" guy is at least as skillful at "doing everything right" as the anonymous hitchhiker from "All I Wanna Exercise is Make Beloved to You" — except without all the creepy surprise baby nonsense.
The "Candy Shop" guy is a keeper. Because he's not a hero or a stranger in the nighttime or a funky, shimmering love god. He'due south a practiced partner.
"Candy Shop" is raunchy. It's dirty. It'due south non your grandmother's love vocal.
Merely when y'all strip abroad the swagger, the dorsum shell, and the weird strings from "Best of Public Domain Middle Eastern Music 1993," by the end of the song, both people are satisfied. And at the end of the day, isn't that what a healthy relationship is all well-nigh?
Yep.
Uh-huh.
Photograph by Francois Durand/Getty Images.
So seductive.
Source: https://www.upworthy.com/6-songs-that-seem-romantic-but-arent-and-one-that-seems-like-it-isnt-but-is
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